No Turning Back
"I have decided to follow Jesus...no turning back, no turning back."
The Lord graciously brought these lyrics to mind, and I sang them over the loud hum of a vacuum while I worked; it was a gentle way to drive a stubborn lesson to heart. For weeks, I knew I had a decision to make, but I didn't know how to move beyond the mere thought. I've felt very stuck in a rut of joylessness and depression. I have been easily discouraged and easily weighed down by everyday cares and tasks. (Readjusting to my home culture has proven quite challenging, so I realize much of my difficulty falls under the title of "Reverse Culture Shock," though it's been humbling to allow myself grace in that area.) I felt like a struggling tree that had been stripped of all it's leafy goodness and humble fruit. I looked back on a year of experiences, hardships, big and small victories and felt like I was walking on dry ground, not Holy ground. Questions clouded over me: where is the fruit from the character He just forged in me? Why do I feel more empty and childish than ever before?
I'm sure there are some crowned with gray hair and wisdom who are smiling upon these simple words! But I truthfully don't know the answers, and the questions and heaviness were stealing my joy in life and Jesus.
On the way to my cleaning job, I expressed my confusion to the Lord: "I know I need to choose joy and delight in you, but I don't know how. I'm anxious over such small, selfish things, and I feel out of control." It sounds so menial and childish, yet the road I've been walking intimately for the past 8 weeks.
Just choose. Rejoice in Me (Phil 4:1). All that was required of me was a choice. Somehow, it didn't feel right--like I was missing a link, but in that choice was the beauty, wonder, and delight of resting in Jesus' perfect will and direction. To rejoice in Him meant I was laying down my will to understand my circumstances and confusion. I was rejecting the desire to be in control for the glory of Calvary! I was laying down all the hurt and battles, wounds and brokenness for the sheer mystery of what He had in store. At the moment, I still had no idea what "choosing" meant. Often, I feel like "choosing Jesus," "choosing joy," etc., is too vague for words--it's a moment without words, but that's the beauty of majesty! As I vacuumed and dusted, the miracle happened: joy began to flood into my veins until a true smile lit my face (an act that felt like a miracle itself!). Joy that was a renewed love for my Savior!
He honored my confession of weakness, confusion, and choosing, yet most importantly, it was time. Not my time, but His time. He had declared me ready to step one more foot outside of a season that was preparing me for...something (another mystery, I guess!). I don't know where I'm headed, or why He's taken me on certain paths, but choosing true joy in Jesus places me in His rest and peace.
Where there is joy in Jesus, no amount of suffering can tear you away because you know the sweetness of His perfection. The questions remain as clouds in the air, but they no longer block out the Son and His glory.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let also lay aside every weight and sin that slings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
The Lord graciously brought these lyrics to mind, and I sang them over the loud hum of a vacuum while I worked; it was a gentle way to drive a stubborn lesson to heart. For weeks, I knew I had a decision to make, but I didn't know how to move beyond the mere thought. I've felt very stuck in a rut of joylessness and depression. I have been easily discouraged and easily weighed down by everyday cares and tasks. (Readjusting to my home culture has proven quite challenging, so I realize much of my difficulty falls under the title of "Reverse Culture Shock," though it's been humbling to allow myself grace in that area.) I felt like a struggling tree that had been stripped of all it's leafy goodness and humble fruit. I looked back on a year of experiences, hardships, big and small victories and felt like I was walking on dry ground, not Holy ground. Questions clouded over me: where is the fruit from the character He just forged in me? Why do I feel more empty and childish than ever before?
I'm sure there are some crowned with gray hair and wisdom who are smiling upon these simple words! But I truthfully don't know the answers, and the questions and heaviness were stealing my joy in life and Jesus.
On the way to my cleaning job, I expressed my confusion to the Lord: "I know I need to choose joy and delight in you, but I don't know how. I'm anxious over such small, selfish things, and I feel out of control." It sounds so menial and childish, yet the road I've been walking intimately for the past 8 weeks.
Just choose. Rejoice in Me (Phil 4:1). All that was required of me was a choice. Somehow, it didn't feel right--like I was missing a link, but in that choice was the beauty, wonder, and delight of resting in Jesus' perfect will and direction. To rejoice in Him meant I was laying down my will to understand my circumstances and confusion. I was rejecting the desire to be in control for the glory of Calvary! I was laying down all the hurt and battles, wounds and brokenness for the sheer mystery of what He had in store. At the moment, I still had no idea what "choosing" meant. Often, I feel like "choosing Jesus," "choosing joy," etc., is too vague for words--it's a moment without words, but that's the beauty of majesty! As I vacuumed and dusted, the miracle happened: joy began to flood into my veins until a true smile lit my face (an act that felt like a miracle itself!). Joy that was a renewed love for my Savior!
He honored my confession of weakness, confusion, and choosing, yet most importantly, it was time. Not my time, but His time. He had declared me ready to step one more foot outside of a season that was preparing me for...something (another mystery, I guess!). I don't know where I'm headed, or why He's taken me on certain paths, but choosing true joy in Jesus places me in His rest and peace.
Where there is joy in Jesus, no amount of suffering can tear you away because you know the sweetness of His perfection. The questions remain as clouds in the air, but they no longer block out the Son and His glory.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let also lay aside every weight and sin that slings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
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