Torn Image
"Whom He predestined, He also called." Romans 8:30
Vulnerability is beckoning me to walk through its crooked door, but I hesitate to enter--unsure of where I will end up and to whom I will be speaking. To be plain, I'd rather not be honest about this moment in my life. It's painful to admit sin, flaw, brokenness...joylessness.
My joy has not "been complete"; a broken joy, perhaps--if that could be a thing. It's a joy I don't always want to claim! I'd rather have a joy that is evident to the passerby, pleasant, and natural. The joy people admire and look up to! The joy that easily speaks of Jesus and His sweetness, without words...
In reality, this joy isn't broken: it's being purified and refined moment by moment. I seem to have paused in a gray hallway, fingering the rough walls around me and hoping for daylight. The mirror seems to reflect a foreign, torn image of a distant reality, but He calls me to joy. Not a yellow cloth to drape over my melancholy heart, but an internal decision that may take time to stream outward.
This joy that rests in turmoil. darkness, confusion, chaos, beauty, hope, and light simply because of the sovereignty of God. He has called us! We have been predestined by the Father; therefore, rest and be filled with joy! God's purpose calls us to endure the grayness and uncertainty. A joy that chooses to glory in Jesus and wait in the unknown.
For most of my life, joy was easy. It flowed quite naturally from my simple, pleasant life and love for the Lord. Now, as I wrote in my journal a couple days ago, I see the delicate covering of grace over that trait [joy] as time and hardship have worn a threaded hole. All glory be to the Restorer of all things; the Great Mender who can take threads and sew them together with gold. That's the joy that I now claim: a joy that rests in glory. He is always worthy of my worship, so I will rejoice in the work He is doing, regardless of what I know and feel. Unfortunately, the joy isn't always on the outside--a challenging thing for me accept. One day, though, the "golden threads" may look like a restored outward joy! But, maybe, the "golden threads" will forever remain a mystery. Yet I will choose joy.
I'm a bit ashamed to even write on this topic. The "sufferings" that I've encountered in my short lifetime are minuscule in comparison to most who read these words. And to write about joy truly makes me cringe inside! I don't feel worthy, yet I recognize the worthiness He has granted me--us, as saints. So, let the words speak, regardless of their imperfections and inexperienced writer!
Vulnerability is beckoning me to walk through its crooked door, but I hesitate to enter--unsure of where I will end up and to whom I will be speaking. To be plain, I'd rather not be honest about this moment in my life. It's painful to admit sin, flaw, brokenness...joylessness.
My joy has not "been complete"; a broken joy, perhaps--if that could be a thing. It's a joy I don't always want to claim! I'd rather have a joy that is evident to the passerby, pleasant, and natural. The joy people admire and look up to! The joy that easily speaks of Jesus and His sweetness, without words...
In reality, this joy isn't broken: it's being purified and refined moment by moment. I seem to have paused in a gray hallway, fingering the rough walls around me and hoping for daylight. The mirror seems to reflect a foreign, torn image of a distant reality, but He calls me to joy. Not a yellow cloth to drape over my melancholy heart, but an internal decision that may take time to stream outward.
This joy that rests in turmoil. darkness, confusion, chaos, beauty, hope, and light simply because of the sovereignty of God. He has called us! We have been predestined by the Father; therefore, rest and be filled with joy! God's purpose calls us to endure the grayness and uncertainty. A joy that chooses to glory in Jesus and wait in the unknown.
For most of my life, joy was easy. It flowed quite naturally from my simple, pleasant life and love for the Lord. Now, as I wrote in my journal a couple days ago, I see the delicate covering of grace over that trait [joy] as time and hardship have worn a threaded hole. All glory be to the Restorer of all things; the Great Mender who can take threads and sew them together with gold. That's the joy that I now claim: a joy that rests in glory. He is always worthy of my worship, so I will rejoice in the work He is doing, regardless of what I know and feel. Unfortunately, the joy isn't always on the outside--a challenging thing for me accept. One day, though, the "golden threads" may look like a restored outward joy! But, maybe, the "golden threads" will forever remain a mystery. Yet I will choose joy.
I'm a bit ashamed to even write on this topic. The "sufferings" that I've encountered in my short lifetime are minuscule in comparison to most who read these words. And to write about joy truly makes me cringe inside! I don't feel worthy, yet I recognize the worthiness He has granted me--us, as saints. So, let the words speak, regardless of their imperfections and inexperienced writer!
When Joy is a choice we make and not an emotion we feel, we learn it's depth don't we! Thank you LeAnna, for reminding me to fight for JOY today!
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