In His Time
Near the beginning of the new year, I asked myself a daring question: could I truly be content wherever God placed me? The answer felt like no, even though my spirit wanted to say yes. In December, I seriously considered moving out of my parents home. I was in turmoil and fixated on trying to make myself understood. The contentment had to be forged--painfully, and I hadn't truly been up for the war until the new year sparked hope into my soul. Actually, it wasn't the magic of a new year--in case you wondered! It was six months. Six months since I had moved home from Costa Rica. Generally, it takes six months for someone to readjust back to their home country after living abroad for one year. To be honest, I had forgotten that statistic until the end of January, but there is something to be said about time, isn't there?
The question of my contentment hung densely in the air, and it made me irritable, frustrated, and depressed. My joy felt fleeting and very little brought me happiness. I was bogged down by my own desire to be listened to and known by others. Perhaps that sounds ambiguous and odd to some of you, and I am finally at the point where I am ready to explain. Be patient with me! It's been a long journey to get here.
There is this thing called Reverse Culture Shock that hits nearly all people who return to their native country after living abroad. Some don't acknowledge what they are experiencing, and some are painfully aware. I was of the latter. I will write more later on this specific issue, but to put a quick drop in the bucket, just know that I was definitely hit broadside with RCS--for many reasons. Working through the cultural shift brought me to a place of utter weakness and brokenness. I needed people in a way that I didn't think was possible, yet I couldn't let people 'in' for a very long time. I was living in a paradox--an agonizing, merry-go-round paradox.
That's where the discontentment settled in. Of course, I do believe there were a lot of other elements that raised questions in my mind, but I was also just seeking placement in the United States. I was seeking understanding and a fresh start. I wanted to be know people and be known by them after feeling a million miles away.
Again, don't analyze this too deeply if you've never been there. I suppose it's merely the mixed up world of change and desire.
He wanted my contentment, and I wanted to be where He wanted me, but--how? Often this wasn't just a question of a physical place: it was a question of an emotional place, too, and I had no idea. He was asking me to be content with myself weary and scattered, flustered and broken in my human form. The conviction from His Word and prayer came on my heart:
Could you remain here in this weakness until the end of your days, daughter?
I grew cold at the thought. I didn't want to feel displaced and unknown forever! No, God, of course not! You must fix me before this gets too deep. The answer? Nothing. Only questions, desires, and stirred emotions. Finally, I did think about moving away from my parents farm. I was aching for a change, and it wasn't easy at home, so it felt logical. I do believe the Lord placed the question on my heart and had beautiful, unimaginable reasons for its timing, but the answer was no. I wasn't meant to leave the farm. A contentment began coming over me at that time, and I changed the question from location to people. I needed people--I needed community and fellowship, and small-town Minnesota is sparse and spread-out. I spent all of my Christmas break praying for an answer.
In the beginning of January, I learned about a big change that was going to be implemented on the Bible school I had been wanting to attend the following year (January 2018); I wasn't sure if the changes were really "me," so I began to consider attending it sooner (as in, 1 month from January 2nd 2017!). Again, my foundations were shaken, and I began to seek God for direction. I had 10 days to decide whether or not I was going to go to the Bible school in Hungary that semester.
The wave of discontentment came flooding at me, again, and I wondered where I was supposed to go. I was discouraged because contentment--a contentment at home--had truly come to me, and now I felt discord once again.
To make this long story a bit shorter, I will attempt to condense. I ended up not going to Hungary, and the contentment came back. As slow and sweet as the first wave of contentment had been, this wave came like a hurricane. Before the end of January, I was able to get connected with people through my education program, Lumerit, and I began attending a couple of Bible studies regularly. As unimaginable as it seemed to my small, limited mind, God had provided community when I felt like it was impossible. Not only did contentment settle on my heart, but I was also filled with joy--for the first time in a very long time.
My contentment was a process, but that's usually how He works, isn't it? It wasn't about being emotionally understood by the people around me. It wasn't about moving away to another country. It wasn't even about the community that I longed for. It was about the healing that needed to take place in His time. The circumstances could've been perfect, but I would've probably still been in emotional turmoil: it wasn't time to be anything but scattered, fragmented, broken, and misunderstood.
As all the odds seemed to press against me, His purpose was sure and steadfast, and the story continues....
The question of my contentment hung densely in the air, and it made me irritable, frustrated, and depressed. My joy felt fleeting and very little brought me happiness. I was bogged down by my own desire to be listened to and known by others. Perhaps that sounds ambiguous and odd to some of you, and I am finally at the point where I am ready to explain. Be patient with me! It's been a long journey to get here.
There is this thing called Reverse Culture Shock that hits nearly all people who return to their native country after living abroad. Some don't acknowledge what they are experiencing, and some are painfully aware. I was of the latter. I will write more later on this specific issue, but to put a quick drop in the bucket, just know that I was definitely hit broadside with RCS--for many reasons. Working through the cultural shift brought me to a place of utter weakness and brokenness. I needed people in a way that I didn't think was possible, yet I couldn't let people 'in' for a very long time. I was living in a paradox--an agonizing, merry-go-round paradox.
That's where the discontentment settled in. Of course, I do believe there were a lot of other elements that raised questions in my mind, but I was also just seeking placement in the United States. I was seeking understanding and a fresh start. I wanted to be know people and be known by them after feeling a million miles away.
Again, don't analyze this too deeply if you've never been there. I suppose it's merely the mixed up world of change and desire.
He wanted my contentment, and I wanted to be where He wanted me, but--how? Often this wasn't just a question of a physical place: it was a question of an emotional place, too, and I had no idea. He was asking me to be content with myself weary and scattered, flustered and broken in my human form. The conviction from His Word and prayer came on my heart:
Could you remain here in this weakness until the end of your days, daughter?
I grew cold at the thought. I didn't want to feel displaced and unknown forever! No, God, of course not! You must fix me before this gets too deep. The answer? Nothing. Only questions, desires, and stirred emotions. Finally, I did think about moving away from my parents farm. I was aching for a change, and it wasn't easy at home, so it felt logical. I do believe the Lord placed the question on my heart and had beautiful, unimaginable reasons for its timing, but the answer was no. I wasn't meant to leave the farm. A contentment began coming over me at that time, and I changed the question from location to people. I needed people--I needed community and fellowship, and small-town Minnesota is sparse and spread-out. I spent all of my Christmas break praying for an answer.
In the beginning of January, I learned about a big change that was going to be implemented on the Bible school I had been wanting to attend the following year (January 2018); I wasn't sure if the changes were really "me," so I began to consider attending it sooner (as in, 1 month from January 2nd 2017!). Again, my foundations were shaken, and I began to seek God for direction. I had 10 days to decide whether or not I was going to go to the Bible school in Hungary that semester.
The wave of discontentment came flooding at me, again, and I wondered where I was supposed to go. I was discouraged because contentment--a contentment at home--had truly come to me, and now I felt discord once again.
To make this long story a bit shorter, I will attempt to condense. I ended up not going to Hungary, and the contentment came back. As slow and sweet as the first wave of contentment had been, this wave came like a hurricane. Before the end of January, I was able to get connected with people through my education program, Lumerit, and I began attending a couple of Bible studies regularly. As unimaginable as it seemed to my small, limited mind, God had provided community when I felt like it was impossible. Not only did contentment settle on my heart, but I was also filled with joy--for the first time in a very long time.
My contentment was a process, but that's usually how He works, isn't it? It wasn't about being emotionally understood by the people around me. It wasn't about moving away to another country. It wasn't even about the community that I longed for. It was about the healing that needed to take place in His time. The circumstances could've been perfect, but I would've probably still been in emotional turmoil: it wasn't time to be anything but scattered, fragmented, broken, and misunderstood.
As all the odds seemed to press against me, His purpose was sure and steadfast, and the story continues....
Wow...thanks for sharing what God has been teaching you, LeAnna!
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