In the Waiting

"For in his tent, we groan, being burdened--not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."
       2 Corinthians 5:4

     We groan under the weight of flesh: selfishness, acceptance, control, worry, and anxiety threaten to rip us from the light of eternity into a deep obyss of our own kingdom. We long for the upward and struggle in the present state. The concept of an earthly home morfs into a hazy, distant horizon and feelings of displacement settle in. 

     Last week, I confess that I found myself blinded by my flesh. Instead of responding in humility and turning the awareness into an opportunity for surrender, I allowed myself to become deeply discouraged. Immediately, I became defensive and offended, restless and anxious, doubtful and insecure. It was extremely disheartening, and I was so confused and distraught. I prayed for joy; I prayed for a heavenly perspective and understanding; I asked the Lord to give me His identity, but I felt hopeless in my pursuits. Finally, I tried to just rest. "Okay, Lord, I will wait on you. Those who wait on you are blessed." He gave me comfort as I surrendered, but, to my dismay, I still didn't have a  heavenly perspective--by any means! If anything, I felt almost worse about my psychological state.

    I understood that I needed Jesus, and I realized that Satan was having a hay day with my mind; I knew I was accepted by those around me! I knew that I didn't need to defend myself, or prove my worth, but knowing did nothing for my spirit. I was in a crossroads, and before the Lord was going to take me to a place of belief and stability, He wanted me to encounter grace...

    As I was reeling at my fleshly thoughts and feelings, I was horrified that all spiritual grounding seemed to have left me! Where was my sought-after joy, contentment, and assurance? I became impatient with myself and was upset that, in the trial, I wasn't "receiving" them. In light of eternity, and in the shadow of the cross, suffering should bring joy, so where had the fruits of the Spirit gone?
    "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds" James 1:2. Count it all joy, not experience all joy! We choose to count it as joy when we are confused, hurt, battling, and battered. The Spirtual blessing of joy, acceptance, peace, etc., may not come in the moment of trial! Sometimes the Lord asks us to wait. The Lord patiently said, in His quiet way, "Allow yourself to encounter grace, LeAnna!" When we can receive Him, fully aware of our depravity, longing for our heavenly bodies, desiring to be swallowed up by life, we are receiving the grace that extends beyond the here and now. We are receiving grace that reminds us gently, sometimes acutely, of our home in eternity: we long for the pearly gates and finished work of heaven, but that chapter remains mysteriously closed to keep us captivated with our everlasting dwelling place. 

     I'm writing this "story" as if I've passed onto the next phase, but in reality, I'm still waiting. The past few weeks have been testing my patience, but I will choose to count it all joy, and wait in hopefulness for the equipping and perseverance that will follow--according to His promise (James 1:2-3)! This place isn't home! I am burdened; I am painfully aware of my humanity, but it opens my eyes to heaven. I groan under the realization of what I do not have. Good news! He is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison (2 Cor. 2:17), and I have hope in the clothing that will one day proclaim me fully sanctified and Holy before the Throne of Grace. Meanwhile, I will choose to "count it all joy" and consider the heavenly. 

This was a special post inspired by two dear people in my life:

     Thank you, Jordan, for inspiring me to write about my heavenly home. You are such an encouragement and constant support as I travel and...survive. ;) I love you so much!

     Thank you, dearest Kat, for pointing me back to eternity with your little lesson from James. You constantly push me to accept myself and live in freedom. I love you a whole lot!